Ranch is the new French...French is the new Ranch



Displaced New Orleans Psychic/Medium, Lady Silkfoot contacts the spirit of dearly departed actor, Vic Tayback, who portrayed the lovable hard ass, Mel Sharples, on the hit sitcom Alice with your queries and concerns.

Q. Dear Mr. Tayback,
Did you ever actually kiss anyone's grits on the set of the television show Alice, and if so, were they buttery?
Curious in Philadelphia

A. Dear Dingy,
Although I have shaken off my mortal coil, and have little to no recent experience in the forces that govern the living, let me be the first to tell you that you need to get a life. Also, the Eagles don't have a chance of going to the Super Bowl this year.

Q. Dear Vic,
At my horrid job as a line cook, I have noticed that some of the 7lb. cans of ketchup that are delivered to our restaurant say "fancy ketchup". What makes ketchup fancy?
Stoned in Columbus

A. Dear Hophead,
Finally a real question! Ketchup before the Spanish American War was sweetened with the honey of bees. After the invasion of San Juan, sugar cane was more readily available, especially to filthy rich, big shots living up in Newport who demanded that their ketchup be blended with sugar and, for a short period of time in the late nineteenth century, cocaine. The product quickly earned the name "Fancy Pants Catsup" in elite social gatherings held in east coast summer mansions, as the effects of the drug often led to drunken, rich steel barons and their families feeding it to their cats (thus Cat Sup) to enable all night wagering on the drugged felines battling one another in stately ballrooms. Shortly after America entered World War I, and real battles replaced the kitty skirmishes, manufacturers ceased lacing the condiment with drugs and made it readily available to common people from all walks of life, thus dropping the "Fancy" part of the name from most brands. Some Rhode Island factories still apply trace amounts of narcotics in their ketchup, so the cans you are seeing with "fancy" still intact most likely means that your restaurant is getting their supply from Rhode Island with the cocaine still in place. "Pants" no longer appears on any labels after the habberdasher/tailor lobby in the twenties pressured Herbert Hoover into outlawing it's usage when dealing with food and drugs.

Do you have a question for Vic Tayback's Ghost?
Then stow it to: stowitvera@yahoo.com